Disclaimer: Bear with me, these first entries are going to be LONG but they are necessary for me to give you the background for what is going on with me now. Once I catch you up, they shouldn’t be this long! But trust me, you’re in for a wild ride if you join me.
Our emotions at this time were indescribable, but I’m going to do my best to help you understand. After so many months of having hormones pumped through my body, disappointing doctors appointments, medical bills, negative ovulation and pregnancy tests, we were empty.
When you are living a life in the world of fertility treatments, you are living and breathing it EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. You must know what day of your cycle it is, and if it is a required “baby dance” day (10 days a month, usually from cycle days 10-20, or 12-22 depending on how early or late you tend to ovulate) regardless of whether you feel like it or not. After the baby dancing days, you will be counting how many days post ovulation you believe you are, and towards the 9 days post ovulation mark I was itching to start testing for pregnancy. Yes, crazy, I know. We should have invested in pregnancy test companies. (Thankfully, I discovered dollar tree pregnancy tests a few months into treatments) Anyway, you should get the point with the photo below of the days you are tracking when undergoing treatments (from what I remember, it feels like a lifetime ago).
We were now facing the challenge of moving forward with the choice of adoption, or IVF.
We had some insurance coverage towards IVF so the cost was far less than adoption, but the toll on my mind and body would be greater. Adoption was unfamiliar territory for us, but it was also the (in my head) guarantee of a child. After all, it was never fully my desire to be pregnant, but to be a mother.
My battle against myself related to IVF: I was truly questioning if I would EVER be okay again if IVF didn’t work. I didn’t think I could EVER come back from that mentally. You see, infertility has a way of digging so deep into your core, that you can’t even fathom the feelings of not being able to fulfill your God-given quest to become a mother. I also convinced myself that the “worst case scenario” would be that we dumped a bunch of money into this, and we still had frozen embryos if the first transfer didn’t result in a successful pregnancy. Mr. Lucky and I spoke about this a million times, and went around and around with it. He felt strongly that we should try IVF, but he was also supportive if I didn’t want to continue on that path.
The adoption battle: Mr. Lucky was not fully convinced this was the best option for us. He had all of the negative stories in his head about adoption, and he believed he couldn’t love an adopted child the same as a biological child. Not even that, he really wanted a biological child. I have always had adoption in my heart. We didn’t have the money for it, but it would result in a baby to love on. I was feeling my heart pulled in this direction, and I was starting to lean away from IVF.
I was on the phone with Shanna one night, and I was having a little cry-fest. I couldn’t make a decision, and I couldn’t see straight through any of it. My mom wanted us to try IVF, Mr. Lucky wanted us to do it, but I was SCARED out of my mind. I didn’t want the disappointment. So we talked through all of the concerns I listed above, and came to the conclusion, that she believes I would forever regret NOT trying IVF and wondering what could have been, and the worst thing that could happen would be that we would have frozen embryos waiting for a transfer another time.
I decided she was right, and I owed it to myself, and my loving devoted husband to try IVF.
This is what led us to IVF, and what resulted in failure, and no resulting medical explanation.
Following the failure of our IVF cycle, we attended a foster-to-adopt / state adoption orientation locally. At this meeting, they stressed the importance of knowing you will likely be placed with a child at the average age of 8 – or younger if you were willing to foster and then wait out the long years of the termination of parental rights, or the reunification of the child with their parents – which is the number one goal of the programs.
We sat on this information for a few weeks.