Another excerpt from my journal just after Lucky Charm was born. This passage describes everything far better than I could now after two and a half years.
She’s more beautiful than we could have ever imagined her. She is perfect.
This was certainly a part of the master plan for our family. Everything went smoothly – not according to plan, but smoothly nonetheless. Not without tears, well more than tears – more like sobbing, and not without stress, and worry, and joy and exhuberance. There are so many words that can describe the emotions of this experience.
The call came around 9am. The agency caseworker called and said: I just got a call, and the baby is here. She’s a completely healthy baby girl, 5lbs 13 oz, and 19.5 inches, she was born 2 hours ago. There must have been a long pause on my end.
I didn’t even know what to say. I was just around the corner from work and I had just pouted to my mom on the phone that I couldn’t bear going to work to be asked again why I am still here, and if I had any news.
I wasn’t expecting the news that she was already born. I was expecting the call that Tiny was in labor and we needed to head to the hospital. My whole world felt like it had been spun around into a million pieces and my brain was trying to piece everything together.
Apparently, she was in too much pain to call the agency. Nonetheless, she didn’t want us to visit until 3pm.
I couldn’t get ahold of Mr. Lucky – who was supposed to be heading to the gym so I raced there to find him, and his car wasn’t there. So then I raced home and ran into the house and told him the news. We both hugged each other tightly, but worried that maybe she was changing her mind. Being his uber positive self – he said there was no way, and that everything would be perfect.
So we got everything ready, headed to the bank, then to the store to get Tiny some chocolates and flowers, and grab a quick lunch to try and pass the time before we would leave for the hospital.
When we got there and laid eyes on our sweet baby girl, she was more perfect than we could ever imagine. She looked like a sweet angel tucked into her baby burrito blankets. She didn’t feel like ours yet. Not to me, anyway. Mr. Lucky felt a quicker connection, but at first I felt like I was holding someone else’s baby, and not mine. She wasn’t quite ours yet after all.
The second day, we had more time alone with the baby and I think we bonded a bit more. The birthfather was there most of the day, and he and Mr. Lucky got to chat quite a bit.
On the third day, we were scheduled to be waiting in the waiting room for the papers to be signed and the baby to be discharged. We were told to be there for 9am. It was 10:40 before the caseworker came in. In the meantime we just prayed everything was still a go.
Finally, the caseworker came in, and delivered the news that she was ours! The papers were signed. Our Lucky Charm’s birthmom wished to have some time alone with her, so we grabbed lunch and waited a couple extra hours.
The goodbyes on the nights we left the baby and Tiny were so hard, so deep, so sad. The goodbye the day of placement, was a different kind of pain. It was heartwrenching. I have never felt this pain before. I couldn’t imagine the pain she was feeling. She held Lucky Charm close and told her that she was so very lucky because chose the very best parents for her, and most children don’t get THE BEST, but she had it. I tried hard to choke back my tears, Mr. Lucky did the same. It didn’t work. The emotions were so powerful.
I hugged Tiny tightly before we left, and promised to love our baby until the end of time, and promised her we will never forget her, and we told her how much love her too.
There was not one dry eye in the room; including the caseworker, and the nurse. It was one of the most intense moments I have ever experienced. Far more intense than I would imagine birthing a child would be, but I wouldn’t know.
The nurse as she wheeled me down the elevator in a wheelchair (it is hospital policy – even for adoptions) as I was sobbing and holding our newborn baby said to me that this is the second hardest thing she experiences in her job, the first being the death of a baby.
Watching an adoption scenario play out is not for the weak at heart. Adoption is about LOVE and nothing less. It is about caring more for your child than you care for yourself. It is about life, and love. Those who choose life, over the alternative, will always have a special place in my heart.
Thank you Tiny, for completing our family, for believing in us, for loving your child so much that you wanted more for her. Thank you for trusting us. Thank you for being you. Thank you for opening my eyes to so many things.
Lucky Charm is doing wonderful. She is such a good baby and our hearts are full. We have definitely been broken into parenthood. Lucky Charm had a 5 day hospital stay for a phantom fever she got when she was 12 days old. Being a mother is a 24/7 job. It is NOT an easy job, but it is the most rewarding one I’ve ever had.