Healing

Yesterday I was working from home because I caught a bit of a cold, and Dr. Oz was on in the background. He had a segment about Crystal Sonic Therapy and how it can do wonders for healing clarity, pain, relaxation and sleep. I decided to download one of the CD’s on itunes to see if it helped me any, and I have to say it is VERY relaxing. I am sitting at my desk listening to it with headphones and it really is amazing how powerful it is. If you are struggling and you can take the time to listen, I highly recommend it even just for relaxation because I’m not sure I’ve personally experienced any other benefits from it so soon.

My lucky little family and I are starting therapy on Friday. It is going to be good for us. Mr. Lucky and I have some things to sort out stemming from our infertility and growing our family. Mr. Lucky really wants me to get pregnant. If you didn’t know by now, I’m infertile. However, weight loss surgery changes things for some people. The sudden weight loss can make people who were previously infertile, very fertile. For that reason, my surgeon and nutritionist have recommended that we use protective measures to avoid pregnancy for the first 18 months after surgery. When I told him this, he was bothered by the fact that I would want to prevent pregnancy after all we have been through. The truth is, I really don’t want to ever be pregnant. I am ok with building my family through adoption, I’m even ok with Lucky Charm being our one and only. He isn’t. He keeps talking about me getting pregnant after the 18 months and we really need to get this resolved. I don’t like to continuously disappoint him, but isn’t it time to put my own needs and health first? When we were going through fertility treatments, it was my body that was violated and attacked by hormones, not his. Nevermind that I am still bleeding profusely so the opportunity to get pregnant is NOT there. It is going to take alot of time for my body to re-adjust to hormonal changes, but hopefully soon I will get a break from bleeding.

I am finally below the weight I was before we started treatments (270). My next goal will be to be below the weight I was at our wedding (228). I really don’t ever want to be back here again, and the thought of pregnancy and gaining weight after all of this hard work scares the pants off of me. Nevermind having been through an incredibly painful back surgery and recovery.

Infertility Stole These Moments From Me

I will never get to hear my baby’s heartbeat coming from within my womb. I will
never get to see my baby on an ultrasound for the first time. I will never feel
those first kicks/movements. I will never be the first voice and sound that my
baby will hear. My baby will always love her first-mother first.

Am I completely happy with our decision to adopt? Yes.

Does it ever get any easier to know you can’t have a biological child, maybe. Some say it will get better after we have our child in our arms. Maybe so. Until then, there are moments, although they are coming less frequent, when I wish that I could have what “everyone” else has the blessing to experience.

I journaled this passage on Mother’s Day when we were anticipating the birth of our daughter.1407386_72879601

I have to say, yes, the pain is easier. It all is easier. My heart is SO full of love for this little girl. In hindsight I feel like those who only experience pregnancy and do not experience adoption – are missing out on emotions and a love that is so much more incredible. You love harder, you cherish every moment more, and you never, ever forget what it took to get you where you are.

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Adoption vs. IVF

Disclaimer: Bear with me, these first entries are going to be LONG but they are necessary for me to give you the background for what is going on with me now. Once I catch you up, they shouldn’t be this long! But trust me, you’re in for a wild ride if you join me.

Our emotions at this time were indescribable, but I’m going to do my best to help you understand. After so many months of having hormones pumped through my body, disappointing doctors appointments, medical bills, negative ovulation and pregnancy tests, we were empty.

When you are living a life in the world of fertility treatments, you are living and breathing it EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. You must know what day of your cycle it is, and if it is a required “baby dance” day (10 days a month, usually from cycle days 10-20, or 12-22 depending on how early or late you tend to ovulate) regardless of whether you feel like it or not. After the baby dancing days, you will be counting how many days post ovulation you believe you are, and towards the 9 days post ovulation mark I was itching to start testing for pregnancy. Yes, crazy, I know. We should have invested in pregnancy test companies. (Thankfully, I discovered dollar tree pregnancy tests a few months into treatments) Anyway, you should get the point with the photo below of the days you are tracking when undergoing treatments (from what I remember, it feels like a lifetime ago).

Sample Fertility Calendar

Sample Fertility Calendar

We were now facing the challenge of moving forward with the choice of adoption, or IVF.

We had some insurance coverage towards IVF so the cost was far less than adoption, but the toll on my mind and body would be greater. Adoption was unfamiliar territory for us, but it was also the (in my head) guarantee of a child. After all, it was never fully my desire to be pregnant, but to be a mother.

My battle against myself related to IVF: I was truly questioning if I would EVER be okay again if IVF didn’t work. I didn’t think I could EVER come back from that mentally. You see, infertility has a way of digging so deep into your core, that you can’t even fathom the feelings of not being able to fulfill your God-given quest to become a mother. I also convinced myself that the “worst case scenario” would be that we dumped a bunch of money into this, and we still had frozen embryos if the first transfer didn’t result in a successful pregnancy. Mr. Lucky and I spoke about this a million times, and went around and around with it. He felt strongly that we should try IVF, but he was also supportive if I didn’t want to continue on that path.

The adoption battle: Mr. Lucky was not fully convinced this was the best option for us. He had all of the negative stories in his head about adoption, and he believed he couldn’t love an adopted child the same as a biological child.  Not even that, he really wanted a biological child. I have always had adoption in my heart. We didn’t have the money for it, but it would result in a baby to love on. I was feeling my heart pulled in this direction, and I was starting to lean away from IVF.

I was on the phone with Shanna one night, and I was having a little cry-fest. I couldn’t make a decision, and I couldn’t see straight through any of it. My mom wanted us to try IVF, Mr. Lucky wanted us to do it, but I was SCARED out of my mind. I didn’t want the disappointment. So we talked through all of the concerns I listed above, and came to the conclusion, that she believes I would forever regret NOT trying IVF and wondering what could have been, and the worst thing that could happen would be that we would have frozen embryos waiting for a transfer another time.

I decided she was right, and I owed it to myself, and my loving devoted husband to try IVF.

This is what led us to IVF, and what resulted in failure, and no resulting medical explanation.

Following the failure of our IVF cycle, we attended a foster-to-adopt / state adoption orientation locally. At this meeting, they stressed the importance of knowing you will likely be placed with a child at the average age of 8 – or younger if you were willing to foster and then wait out the long years of the termination of parental rights, or the reunification of the child with their parents – which is the number one goal of the programs.

We sat on this information for a few weeks.

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