Motivation

Motivation is tricky for me lately. Mentally, I am motivated to accomplish so much. Physically, I am exhausted. Emotionally, I am exhausted. I have huge hopes for the day, and then the exhaustion sets in and nothing outside of the normal daily requirements gets done.

I have not run in over a week. I need to get back out and run tomorrow. I NEED to do this. I am NOT prepared for the half marathon and it scares the pants off me. Obviously not badly enough or I would have crawled out of bed and run this morning. Enough beating myself up, but I need to get my act together. I should really be at a 9 mile distance by now. I haven’t gone over 4.

The holidays have been hard for me. I have been grazing and not putting protein first. After having bariatric surgery it is very important that protein is the main focus of EVERY meal. Over the last couple of weeks I have fallen back into old habits and eating out of convenience, emotion, and preference. See, when given the choice I will almost ALWAYS choose a carbohydrate option over a protein. That is the way it has always been. I do not want this surgery to beat me, I need to continue on the path of good health so I must choose protein first. No more excuses.

Mr. Lucky bought me a Fitbit Flex for christmas so we are getting to know each other. Previously, I had a Jawbone UP which I lost (I suspect in the midst of wrestling lucky charm after an epic tantrum in the mall food court). I am making a huge effort to log my food in my fitness pal, and get my minimum intake of 64 ounces of water (I haven’t even been coming close to this!).

Now, I must get motivated to tear down all of the Christmas decorations, donate old toys to charity, and get myself on the road early EVERY morning to run!

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The Word Skinny

I don’t like the word “skinny”. Several people have resorted to calling me this lately and it bothers me. I am still FAR from skinny, in fact, I am still OBESE. I.am.NOT.skinny! I am thinner than I was, yes, but I am not skinny. I am 220 pounds. Let’s talk about this word.

skin·ny

adjective

adjective: skinny; comparative adjective: skinnier; superlative adjective: skinniest

1. (of a person or part of their body) very thin.

synonyms:

thin, scrawny, scraggy, bony, angular, rawboned, hollow-cheeked, gaunt, as thin as a rake, skin-and-bones, sticklike, emaciated, waiflike, skeletal, pinched, undernourished, underfed;

What I am not: thin, scrawny, scraggy, bony, angular, rawboned, hollow cheeked, gaunt, as thin as a rake, skin-and-bones, sticklike, emaciated, waiflike (not even sure where this word came from, but pretty sure I am not it!), skeletal, pinched! HAHA, undernourished OR underfed – therefore – I AM NOT SKINNY! Okay?

According to the app My Weight – I am Obese Class 1 – I have a BMI of 33.6 and a target BMI of 22.8 if I reach 150 pounds as my physician has recommended.

I know that people mean it as a compliment – but be real people. I was severely overwieght before, and I am still overweight. I have made huge progress and I will admit that. But please don’t call me skinny unless you are trying to get under my skin. I can handle compliments that a certain body part looks small – but skinny overall – nope. No thanks.

I have always had trouble accepting compliments. Some members of my family had a way of backhanded compliments, or just plain insults when it came to weight so it has always been a sensitive subject.

Photo is from the Turkey Trot 5K that I ran on Thanksgiving morning with my dearest LMM!
photo

The difference a year makes

A year ago, when I was considering bariatric surgery, I would have never imagined myself to be doing the things I am doing now. I was in pain every single day. I woke up with a pounding headache. It would pound so hard I couldn’t hear myself think – let alone hear anyone else speak to me. My thoughts were drowned in buzzing and pounding throughout my body. I got a headache walking down the hallway from exertion. I had back pain every single day. Today, I rarely have headaches and it is easier to get out of bed in the morning. My back pain is significantly better. I still have to sleep with a very thick pillow between my legs to avoid severe pain when I sleep but that is a result of my body changes post-surgery (back surgery).

If you would have told me last year that a year later I’d be running 3.5 miles in one day and training for a half marathon, I wouldn’t have believed you that it was actually happening. I’ve always had stretch goals like wanting to do a triathlon, or running races, but never was able to actually execute. This surgery has saved my life; it has allowed me to carry out my hopes and dreams.

Sunday I ran a 5K (MORE than a 5K actually!). I kept telling myself that I was strong when my body or mind wanted me to stop, or slow down. I ran too hard in the first mile (my first mile was 11 minutes) and I was winded and tired through the remainder and walked more than I hoped I would. I still finished with an approximate 14 minute pace.

Wednesday I ran three miles before I went to work in the morning. This time I paced myself right around 14 minutes per mile and I found that I felt strong, and could run (jog) the ENTIRE thing (I probably walked 1 minute total out of the 45 total I ran – only to take a drink or move over for cars). I can feel my legs getting stronger, and my confidence is too.

Only four months to go until the Princess Half Marathon. I am registered for (4) 5ks in preparation for the half marathon! My first 5k is less than a month away!

I’m a Machine!

Over the last few weeks if there is one thing I have realized, it is that I have a bazillion things going on at one time, and somehow I am equipped to handle it all. Whether life is hard, or it is running smoothly, this body and mind of mine are a machine. I am a machine.

Update on the PET Scan and results: My oncologist said that the one node that is concerning in my neck near my jugular vein cannot be biopsied because it is too risky, but that is the only way to diagnose Lymphoma. He wanted to take a wait and see approach even though he cannot explain the crazy levels that seem to only be present in Lymphoma. Dr. Wonderful (my primary) is not satisfied with this wait and see method. She referred me to a local cancer specialist. I have an appointment on Monday with a Lymphoma specific specialist. Hopefully I will get answers other than “let’s wait and see if Cancer will deveop and spread through your body before we have a plan of action”.

Update on Mickey’s Not So Scary Halloween Party: We had an amazing time with our friends. We trick or treated through the Magic Kingdom, rode the carousel, saw the end of the parade, watched the castle show and fireworks (which were the best fireworks I think I have ever seen at the Magic Kingdom!), and we got to see some really cool characters that we don’t normally see (Jafar, Lotso Bear, all 7 dwarfs, and Mickey dressed in his Halloween best!). We also got lots of comments on our homemade costumes.

and last but not least my running progress: I shaved THREE minutes off of my original mile timing! I ran two miles yesterday and two miles the day before. My most recent run yesterday I had a 13:27 minute mile, and the second mile was 14:10. I am still so shocked at what my machine of a body can do. I also have had a cold thanks to the lovely germs that Lucky Charm brings home from school – so I can’t imagine what I am capable of when I am feeling normal (as if that EVER happens!)

My weight is dropping slowly and steadily but I feel good overall. My bleeding has finally stopped for the last three weeks and I am praying this is a sign that my hormones are starting to regulate now that I have lost a chunk of my body weight. As of now I have lost 50% of the weight I have to lose. This is incredible in just four months. Gastric bypass has changed my life. I could never have accomplished this on my own with all of the health complications I have been plagued with.

That’s enough of a crazy sporadic update for now! Hope you all are well and making progress in your life journeys.

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Mystery Diagnosis

It has been way too long since I last wrote and I feel like I say that EVERY time. Haha

We are going to play a little game of guess the diagnosis.

Anemia – diagnosed pre-surgery 2012
Enlarged Spleen – diagnosed August 2013 after an ER visit for abdominal pain
Nausea/discomfort – secondary to enlarged spleen
Low grade fevers at night consistently – struggled with this post back surgery and again after enlarged spleen diagnosis
Enlarged lymph nodes

Any guesses?

My hematologist thinks Its possible I could have Lymphoma. I have another CT scan Thursday to find a convenient node to biopsy. If there are no convenient nodes for biopsy I will proceed with a PET scan.

Despite feeling crummy for weeks I have internalized this news allowing myself permission to eat things I shouldn’t. I officially need to get back on track.

On a positive note, I have lost over 70 pounds in just over three months. On days I feel like the scale is creeping along I remind myself of how far I have come in such little time. I am so proud of where I am.

I also got iron infusion 1 of 2 last week and this time I got venofer. It has already started to work and I am on my way to gaining some energy back.

My primary doctor told me last week that I should prepare myself for the hysterectomy I was scheduled for last fall. The bleeding was one of the main reasons I had gastric bypass surgery. Unfortunately 70 pounds later it doesn’t seem to have helped my issue since my hemoglobin levels take only 45 days to tank after several rounds of iron infusions. I barely had time to digest this before the Lymphoma possibility came to be. In between all of that craziness, the bleeding has paused for going on 5 days now! (Personal record here people!) If you lost count I have been bleeding continuously for over 18 months now (I think?) It has been so long I can hardly keep track.

I will leave the ER trip for a migraine last week for another blog post. But as you can see I have been keeping busy, and trucking along.

I will leave you with an updated progress photo.

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